Typical PML-N responses to the Taliban question

Host: So how do you view the current turmoil in Pakistan?

Rep: Alhamdulillah our government in Punjab is working wonders.

Host: What about the terrorists that are rumored to be camped in Punjab?

Rep: These are mere conspiracies pitched by those you are well aware of *wink*

Host: Do you think your government is doing enough to thwart terrorism and militancy?

Rep: Of course!! Look at our sasti roti programme. It’s a booming success!! We are bringing relief to the common man.

Host: There are talks of Punjabi Taliban. What do you have to say about them?

Rep: I myself have seen people from northern regions leading prayers in Punjab. There are camps in Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa.

Host: But what about camps in Punjab?

Rep: Jamat-ul-Dawa is a legit organization. They have a clean record and we won’t do anything to harm them.

Host: Do Taliban exist?

Rep: We must stop the operations. They are doing great harm to our Islamic country.

Host: I’ve been told PML-N’s party-head tried to have himself declared ‘Khalifa’ in his last reign?

Rep: Taliban had a glorious rule in Afghanistan. They established Shariah and look for yourself how peaceful it was. *tears of joy*

Host: Why have the terrorists been successful in striking Punjab again and again?

Rep: Please don’t try to harm the democratic government in Punjab by such comments!!

Host: Have you done anything to ensure the security of the common man?

Rep: Our leaders spent many years abroad in a large palace and a luxurious lifestyle for the sake of this nation. What more do you ask of us?

Host: If the Taliban are not stopped, don’t you think anarchy will replace order in Pakistan?

Rep: We have restored judiciary. We mobilized lawyers. And now Babar Awan is giving them money. Look at them!!

Host: The Center said that they passed you information about a possible attack on the shrines. Why, then, was no action taken or security upped?

Rep: We have announced a large sum of money for the families of those who lost their lives. The centre wants to derail the provincial government.

Host: Why was Punjab government not able to do anything to regulate sugar prices? Is it because many PML-N members are directly involved in sugar production?

Rep: I swear upon my life we won’t let the price of roti go beyond 2 rupees.

Host: What is the greatest threat to the security of Pakistan?

Rep: The greatest threats are Rehman Malik and Governor Punjab. They are enemies of democracy. They conspire and it’s a result of their conspiracies that people have become foolish enough to blame the Taliban for everything.

Host: Don’t you think Taliban are the chief problem right now?

Rep: No. PPP has started a campaign against judiciary. We won’t stand it! We have been trying to respond peacefully but we will fight now!

Host: Fight whom? The Taliban?

Rep: We believe in dialogue.

Host: You mean you’ll engage in dialogue with them to give up terrorism?

Rep: We hope so. We have tried that in the past too by asking them not to attack Punjab. I think this time we should ask them in Pushto.

Host: Do you have any message for the masses?

Rep: Yes! I want to let the masses know that we are the ‘khadims’ of the awam. Do not look at our Mercedes’ or BMWs and think we are exalted. Do not think for a moment that our sugar mills will stop us from feeling your pain. Just know that we are your sincerest khadims and we will lay down our lives to protect you from everything, including a military operation. Please side with us in fighting this global conspiracy so that Quaid-e-Azam’s dream of an Islamic state could be restored.

Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction inspired by real events.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.