Or can they?
Today, I speak on behalf of all my girlfriends who are pondering the million dollar question: where did the spark go?
A flaming start
Initially most of us jump into the institution with gusto. We look at it as a final end to a romantic rendezvous; the stolen glances and time restricted engagements that leave so much to be desired and explored.
After marriage, there is an endless amount of time at our disposal and this reduces romantic fervour considerably. Where is the heart pumping, adrenaline running, nervous giddiness that we associate to be being with this person?
Even the romantically challenged were expecting some dreamy magic that would sustain more than a mere six months.
In a nutshell, we start taking each other for granted.
We grumble and moan, whine and complain. Here are the classic complaints:
He doesn’t listen to me anymore!
He doesn’t even notice what I’m wearing!
We have become two different people!
Cricket/soccer/hockey/camel races hell, anything is more important than us!
His friends are more important than me!
We feel like we are at the bottom of this ever-increasing list of ‘other interests’.
The ugly truth
I have actually analysed my hubby’s conversations with his buddies, trying to pick up evidence that I can use against him later.
I have accusingly said things like:
“I thought you were too tired to talk but you were energiser bunny over there on the phone with your buddy”
To which he will reply:
‘Um, yeah but he just called. And you are going to be around right?’
And there it is, slapped in your face.
The ugly truth: we are always together.
What was initially the problem is now ‘the’ problem.
But the truth is that men are not wired to think about the nitty gritty details of a relationship. They’d much rather move on to less baffling matters like Playstation.
Obviously, this infuriates us and propels us to move forward in our mission to change them.
A battle of the sexes
We want to change a man who has comfortably (and frustratingly so) settled into a life devoid of passion and enthusiasm towards us.
But the mere smell of the word change is enough for a man to put up his guard to protect himself. He becomes convinced that whatever comes henceforth is infused with insincerity and deceptiveness. He thinks you are tricking him, and no one gets away with tricking him – he’s a man after all. And what’s a man that becomes putty in the hands of a woman?
The betrayal
As a result of this behaviour, us women feel betrayed and defrauded. There are no more thunderous declarations of ever consuming love; of storming home and sweeping us of our feet (literally) and claiming that we are the sole reason of a presumably otherwise trivial existence. Anniversaries, birthdays and other affairs that were earlier eagerly anticipated, become a cause of concern for both parties.
She frets “will he remember?” while he agonises “what should I gift her? (that I have not already!)”, provided he remembers which is a more serious concern altogether.
The whole situation is summed up thus: men become too comfortable while women become increasingly uncomfortable; men snore, women fidget; men rationalise and women agonise.
Would he do the same for you?
I was once out for dinner with a dear friend of mine and she asked me a thought-provoking question.
I was furiously chomping away my food, in desperation to reach home quickly since my hubby was already there, she asked: “Would he do the same if it was him instead of you?”
Predictably, the thought did nag me on the way home and along with it the obvious answer: no he wouldn’t! Perhaps because he is ‘too cool’ to sacrifice his night out with the boys to attend to you.
Do they really have other things to think about? At times I think men are a tad shallow and what they claim is ignorance is actually denseness and a general incapability (and unwillingness) to comprehend anything beyond their comfort zone.
And they are selfish. Come on guys let’s face it.
Your emotions generally revolve around yourself; your loneliness, your desire your need for support. Bottom line: me.
When a woman loves on the other hand it is because of commitment to the better half to be there and to love unconditionally.
There are men who are perfectly in tune with women’s anxieties, weaknesses and expectations. But usually these are the guys who are our friends at school and the ones we go shopping with – not the ones we eventually get married to.
These men, too, will marry. And that makes me wonder: why did we not marry our guy best friend from school?
That ultimately leads me to the embarrassing conclusion that we held the knife and stabbed ourselves with it.
Who’s to blame?
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.
When I was getting married my father told me something pretty profound, he said ” Son, remember the real fun of getting married comes much later. ” Loved him for that.
Will agree to some extent , but remember men got power over women in many parts of life, today’s women try to level there self with men if we level them then there is gonna be a social distraction.
Well maybe if the wife wears lingerie all the time, the spark will remain there forever.
i like the ending notes, hahahaha!
Look theres a limit to feminism and you have crossed it by a mile!!!
I agree, thus the thought of getting married scares me to death. “What if she reproaches me like this” compels me not to get the relationship institutionalised for myself.
Holy crap. Do they sell feminism in bottles now? Cause it seems you chugged down gallons of it before sitting down to write this article.
Generalising to this degree and categorising all men as the same is just silly. I’ve seen many women being the main cause of problems in a marriage and I’ve seen men do the same as well. It’s all relative. It depends on the individual, the level of their maturity, their understanding with each other, as well as many other factors. And exactly what the hell (since I can’t use the other word here) were you thinking when you wrote this:
“And they are selfish. Come on guys let’s face it.”
You act as if women are angels and can do no wrong. Get off your high horse and take a look in the mirror first. I know guys who have sacrificed and done more for their wives than their wives could EVER do for them.
These sorts of ‘blogs’ should be flushed down the toilet and never allowed to see the light of day.
A great read and very well written!
@Hussam – ditching men does not equal feminism. Don’t blame the philosophy for the sentiments of one female.
As to the author, you seem overly obsessed about ‘the spark’, and that seems to be the main reason why it went out, as far as i can see, if you don’t mind me saying. Why don’t you, I dunno, let him invite his friends over for a change, instead of getting huffy over his staying out late with them? Go out shopping or for a little holiday and give him his space? Stop biting your nails over his apparent lack of interest and go read a book or something?
Nobody likes to be nagged, guys included. And the more one tries the more one tends to fail, or so I’ve seen, in matters like these. Lie back and give your hunk some space. Can’t rebuild the fire if you dont give the flame some air.
The basic problem is that in our culture we marry because we HAVE to not because we really WANT to in almost all the cases even in a love marriage scenario, hence, the absence of spark. We have a completely reversed system going on.. lets continue with a love marriage scenario.. the pick up line would be I WANT TO MARRY YOU and the girl would go all gooey and they will apparently have a relationship and all the while will be fussing over the marriage.. So what good would this much fussed over marriage be?? At least in my opinion this is abnormal, i admire the western society for this one thing that when they do something they do it because they wanted to regardless of the consequences. They would like each other, start dating, think about getting engaged, probably getting engaged and then eventually when they are ready will marry. Now this will be a much looked forward to marriage. I have seen real life couples who did this and they are much more committed then our couples.
Also, may be I am bit cynical but I would rather not give this much thought to men. I mean if HE is really worth it then he will be all the things I asked for.. why try and find a whole rocket science behind it.
Nonetheless, you wrote an interesting piece and the flow was engaging i really liked.. keep it coming =) you did well
Cheers
I agree with every bit of this piece but we should remember that men are facing a lot of trouble outside the house, they need to earn good, so that they can pay the bills, children’s school fees and also for other house holds. So, its ok if they become a different person after marriage. As long as a man is fulfilling his responsibilities of a husband and a father, women should have no problem with this.
well to be honest, dear writer, i am the sort of fried u talk about. and i tell you; familiarity breeds contempt. and girls, as is their nature, want what they cant get, first they have THE FRIEND but they take him for granted and marry another. But later when they have married that perfect prince charming, they want escape and want to go for the caring friend again. Trust me. the what could have been can be written into, or dreamt into the best of love stories. But what IS at the moment needs to be appreciated and respected at least (if u can’t appreciate it)
Semra – I love it.. I think u should write a book next.. I am soo Proud of u!! xoxo
Talha, I agree with you.. Girls can be a bit confused.. But, if the perfect prince did everything right.. Then, I’m sure we wouldn’t have much to complaint about.. I love Semra’s articles..! xx
The whole piece is a bit extreme. Men do not suddenly start ignoring their fiances the moment they become their wives, neither do all women feel betrayed and defrauded. The spark will still be there if you just stop obsessing over it. I’m sure you dont treat your husband the way you used to before marriage then why do you expect him to?
Besides, i have seen couples with love and spark and adoration in their married lives, me included… but wait we all married the men who understood us and were our friends in school :p
@ everyone especially the ones criticising :Guys and girls this is an article meant to poke harmless fun and not to be taken seriously. Its all in good humour. Also, its in no way meant to criticise the beauty of the institution of marraige where sometimes taking each other for granted and the comfort and security that comes with it is something we all love!
Also-im a big fan of ‘personal space’ and a marrige is something that is a part of your life but not your life completely! A suggestion: just laugh over it enjoy it and dont take it too seriously! It’s not meant to be a self-help article 🙂
Also Hussam relax its not meant to be degrade the male species whom we all love inspite of their flaws…lol…there is a piece i plan to work on to explain the guy’s point of view and it will be as embarrassing (if not more) to us women! Cheers!
Shumaila:…i do all of the above and believe in that you so graciously advised 🙂 But that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh over it once in a while eh?
goes to play playstation
@Shumaila:
Take a look around at some of the other blogs on this website and how most women writers seem to project that the entire female gender is being done wrong by males. I am all for equality and equal oppurtunity. But the way most females choose to practice feminism is the problem. I wish these people would highlight some of their own flaws as well when pointing to the opposite gender.
@Semra, I assure you if a guy wrote an article on his perception on wives/girlfriends, you’d have the entire feminist brigade shouting bloody murder.
The spark is in your bed room. You will know it whether it is still there or not. For it to be there both have to work at it, both inside and outside of bedroom. You will know the spark when he or she is gone, in the mess you are in. The unbearable silence.
Miss Author you cannot blame guys on all. People if you have problems in your married life then this is not the forum where it could be answered nor this bashing is the RIGHT way. If you want the spark back try to read John Grey and his ever green book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”. But if you like the blame game and always held him/her responsible instead of figuring a way to work things out you are at the right place and might be reading the perfect article.
@Talha: agreed. high five
@Shumaila:
Are u single??!! 🙂
3 Lessons out of this blog
1.All the ladies out there will try their level best to change their boy friends, finance’s and husbands, yet at the same time expect them to accept them for who they are.
2.Girls will try and create a rift between their significant other and their friends, if the so-called friends do not meet their standards, and at the same time, push their significant other to socialise with their friends.
3.On the end bit, girls only allow themselves to be wooed and attracted to guys who are either ridiculously good looking, socially very well established, or the kind who show themselves to be very macho studs and who are complete jerks, then they complain we just want a genuinely nice guy at the end of the day. Nice guys are given the cold shoulder or are at best given the ‘friend’ label.
Before getting married I was against arranged marriage … after 3 years of marriage I am against marriage!
@Hussam:
Bro, I so totally agree with you, if a bloke wrote a piece about women in his life, there would be anarchy
not many people realise the social double standards that are in existence with regards to how men and women treat each other. On many occasions a lot of women practice quite a bit of double standard, they feel they can criticize a guy as much as they like, on the other hand, if a guy even thinks even a fraction on these lines, he is labeled a prospective male chauvinist Ridiculous i tell u.
Let me put up a more elaborative scenario to illustrate my point, suppose in the course of socializing days of our youth, like we all know, bullying, harassments and social discrimination is a part of life, a guy does that to a girl even just barely, he gets labeled a villian, girl harasses or even physically abuses and bullies a guy, a guy can not even raise his voice as there is the potential for the whole world to raise all hell.
Go make me a sandwich.
Every man is a little kid from inside and every woman is programmed to be a mother and there lies the problem. After marriage men remain the same but a girl first becomes a wife and then a mother. She tries to deal with her husband in a manner which resembles that of a mother dealing with her insubordinate child. First the friendship goes and then the trust. Try to be a friend and listen to your hubby without becoming his mother and the spark will continue to burn.
lol
Those who take this blog seriously or argue, I pronounce them well…. farigh.
How you get into my mind Semra?
@anonymous
High five indeed.
Wife can cook, clean, wash and what not in a Lingerie.
Spark will remain there forerver.
@Fizza
As if we were all waiting for you to show up and ‘grace’ us with your presence and verdict. Be safe with the knowledge that you contributed nothing through your post except a cliched and quite frankly overdone excuse for an insult. It’s like: ‘HAY. ALL DOSE WHO DUN AGREE WIT ME R FARIGH OK.’
Yeah okay.
@Mariam:
Indeed You are the one who really understand all this , you got the gets to speak the truths 🙂
@Dear A,
I said that in good humour. As the writer also mentioned in her post later that “this is an article meant to poke harmless fun and not to be taken seriously.”
There’s no point in having a male chauvinist and feminist fight over this blog and thats what I meant. I sincerely hope that your temper comes down with that.
The writer seems to have married a very conservative guy or is totally brainwashed by the tacky drama shows that promote feminism ; to write something on a sensitive topic like this is a serious statement, after all this is NOT a comical website where posts are absorbed by the viewers as harmless entertainment.
@Maleeha Khan:
Wow you need to relax. Take a Prozac or something and please get a sense of humor.
a typical problem in todays generation.. simple reason.. too many options.. you’re not satisfied with that you have.. people tend to compare their relationship to others.. and thats wrong.. people today want more.. thats why the complaints.. its not accepting anymore,, its expecting!!
and when those expectations arent met.. complaints come in. Whining and proving hits a point where the relationship leads to a stage of indifference, thats when it hits the fan.. you’re literally oblivious to one another…
Everyone longs for happiness, its very easy trying to find reasons for being unhappy and blaming one another for the discomfort provided. But the question is, are you willing to go that extra mile to bring in that joy, which seems lost, or will you just sit there and continue to complain?
Treat him well, he’ll treat you better.. and if he doesn’t, question yourself !
Ouch
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change the bulb, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
Why do I feel like reading an inspired/redo copy of controversial feature by Tracy McMillan “Why you aren’t married?”
Pick up the originality woman.
sometimes women act as so confused, complicated & stupid in their own way. no man will ever know what exactly they want?? but seriously, what a woman want?? the complexities involved in the question would put even a Tianhe-1A system to crash, our little mind is too weak for that. like the bros said above, if we let our mind honestly speak about women, the feminists brigade would tag us with their overused yet favorite word chauvinist(the word which always get translated in our mind as “told you to keep quite”). too bad we cant understand them, even worse we cant live without them.
@Shumaila…. you didn’t reply to M Ali’s question…. 🙂
Guys are plain Stupid.. Guys don’t really understand how women feel and how they really think about things.. The real issue is Core Understanding.. which can only come from effective and clear communication… So people try talking openly about things and issues with your partner other than assuming weird things in your heads.. and creating your own reality and false perception about things.. That’s when mis understandings take place.. with a lack of communication and understanding.. and then it just reaches a point.. where so much wrong has been said or done.. that one really wants to clear up the mess.. The point is.. don’t create any messes.. Just be happy.. and love your partner.. talk clearly and openly about things.. And keep the spark alive 😉
And true there are plenty of options.. And there always will be… But, someone once told me.. U should know when to stop.. There will always be someone better around the corner.. And one even better than that around the next corner.. But u really need to know when u wanna stop.. I love the idea of being in love… guys need to relax… xoxo
H, u need to relax…
If u ask me, things on the communication front go wrong, when a lot of women say One thing and mean another. How is a guy supposed to understand a girl when she is saying one thing, meaning another, and relying too much on the guy to pick up on gestures like ques, clues, body language, facial expressions, subtle hints. Guys are not born mind readers, so ladies a lil open communication can go a long way. Now in relation to this article, guys try to potray an inaccurate image of themselves shadi se pehle to woo and get the girl, if all guys started being themselves, their real selves, half of them would remain single as no girl find them appealing. Girls get attracted to a guy for who he is not, and in the middle of the relationship come the complains.
This is so BIAS. You say that men are selfish and only its me, me , me. But in this whole article its more like the women is crying out; me, me, me. Women want to be equal to men when they desire. But when ever they feel like they always bring up the line, “You are a man, and i am a woman. There’s a difference”. Women can say and do anything to get attention and to prove they are the angels. Hello…. If women want to love unconditionally than why all this fuss. The truth is they want men to understand them at all times and yet they dont want to understand the men and their needs and ways. Even worse is that, we men really dont understand the universal phenomenon ‘what women want???’, the sole reason for our behavious, on the other hand women completely understand men and what they want and yet they behave like this. Always testing them, giving no space what so ever and then cry over it. Women enjoy pushing men in a corner. Its more like they want a slave or something. Things ought to be balanced. Men are men and not women. We cannot act like a girlfriend of your all the time. Men have to perform tasks in the real world daily. Just to compare, the women who is working and career minded is quite different in thought patterns than the women who sit at home, why? Because they are out there in the real world where they have to perform a lot of difficult tasks on daily basis. Women want attention 24/7 more than a child for the entire life which is impossible. Hence, women can never be satisfied, no matter how much love, care or money you give them.
@ Hassan: Interesting. What is it that you think a man requires from a woman for ultimate contentment & peace?
You know whats the problem with women these days ? They talk about love and spark and all gooey gooey mushy lovey dovey stuff …
… and they dont go and make us men our goddamn sandwiches!
hey someone had to make the generic and cliched anti feminist remark 😛
Why did the woman cross the road? I got a better question. What was she doing out of the kitchen?
Dear tribune…readers…especially men
First of all read for the fun of it ! try to learn bc it is this nothing but the truth ,,,no matter how much you stay in selfdeinyal it would remain a fact that in a relationship men take females for granted.A women suffers ,,,she has to understand ,,,she has to comprimise ….she has to adjust …she has to give up? this is the way a couple live atleast in asia ( where we are) then if a woman goes through so much… then why cant men give there wives more of everything they have! more love..show more passion and give more quality time,,,well above all men should think from their hearts…everything right will then happen automatically…
When a female writer wants to tell you something ,,,please hear her out, its the least you could do…DONT BE SO NAIVE,,,
The writer has done a teriffic job when she has bought such a wonderful topic. very well written and a pro feminist who spoke well abt how the female feels?
I am curious to know what would be next?…
happy writing !
You know what they say : Can’t live with them , Can’t live without them!
apart form a main theme of a blog
comments become pro and anti feminist
FEMINISTS should not marry, thats the answer to their problem, having a boyfriend will satisfy their needs and when she is fed up with him move on pick a new one, its that simple,
why marry and ruin your and his life as well….
After reading such stuff, every wife would feel that: yes my husband is also like this and even if she was happier before reading this, she would start thinking negatively about her husband. and I strongly disagree with the point of getting married with the best friend of your school life. Problem starts here in fact, Islam forbids such open friendships between a boy and a girl. And when a girl already had a best friend in life during school or college then after getting married she tries to find the qualities of same best friend in her husband which creates big problems and she keeps on comparing her husband with other guys..
Why are all the guys flippin out? lol. Are you guys that insecure?
Its just an opinion, grow on sum pants and leave the writer alone.
@Moazzam Salim:
I agree your view applies to some people, but not everyone is like that. I know many women who are not “programmed” to be a mother, nor do they plan their current life around someday being a mother, and there’s nothing wrong with that. When they do give birth, they become a mother; before that, they don’t have to be. And yes, some guys have a little kid inside them and it remains so often throughout their life, but what makes you think there aren’t women who also have a little girl inside them who just wants to have fun? I, as a young woman, definitely have a little girl inside me and I won’t be letting her go even after I get married, whenever that’ll be, or even after I become a mother someday. Yes, married men and women have different priorities and they change throughout life, but doesn’t mean he/she has to let go of everything he/she ever was. And I agree with your closing point; I don’t think men and women should try to change each other or baby each other. Whoever my future husband is can hold onto the little kid inside him (which, when appropriate, I find to be more fun) and there will be no mothering from me. As long as he respects the little girl inside me and doesn’t baby her or try to change her, there shouldn’t be a problem. Cheers!
Your articles are generally quite interesting, as was this one. Not all men are selfish, and not all women are selfless. Infact I have seen about an equal proportion of selfish females as i have men. You are perhaps generalising men based on your own experiences or other somewhat biased ‘evidence’ (your friends lets say).
I also don’t understand women being idiots and not hooking up with the sincere nice guys back in school. This leads to the ultimate conclusion that subconciously, most women like nothing more than a man who is unwilling to change himself for her sake, and is dominant and likes to put his foot down. These women are attracted to the male ego.